Reformation, or What I've Been Doing Lately

Don't you hate that moment when you're looking at your last journal entry and you think you wrote it a few weeks ago, but really it's been nearly 5 months?

Yeah.

So, here's a new one for you!  Just an update on me and my goals and where I'm hoping to go from here.

My university's Spring Break starts tonight (at 11PM for me, because that's when my last paper is due) and it's going to be my last.  I was informed yesterday that my application to graduate had been approved.  I take the walk on May 5.

I'm super nervous, excited, sad, relieved, and terrified all at the same time.  Graduating means that I'm now officially an adult- I can't hide behind the label "college kid" anymore.  I'll be leaving this amazing culture that I've grown so accustomed to.  I won't have the routine of classes, clubs, and work anymore- and I'll miss it.  I won't have the amazing opportunities to try new things, meet new people, and take advantage of local events anymore.  And, worst of all, I'll lose my access to the BEST library system, bar none!!!  

BUT

I have a job waiting for me, and I'm fortunate for that.  I'll be an office aid for the engineering firm my dad works at, which is a job I've done the last two summers anyway.  It's not my dream job, but it'll be a step in the right direction- there are two universities nearby, and the company may pay for extra classes after I've worked with them for a while.  I'll have to move back in with my dad, but that also means I can sink as much money into my loans as I can without having to worry about rent.  The sooner my loans are paid off, the better.  Being a graduate also means more time for non-class things.  I can work more on my art and my writing.  I can have weekends to travel, if I want, without having to run around and find a replacement for work.

It'll be an interesting transition, I think.

I like weird holidays.  I adore Christmas and Halloween for the atmosphere, but when it comes to holidays that I actually celebrate for the reason the holiday exists, it's out there.  The American Independence Day is one, but Earth Day is up in my favorites.  By my favorite is Random Acts of Kindness Week.  There's just something about it that makes me all giddy and .  I look forward to it every year.  This year, I made the big decision to change my life.  I know too many wonderful, amazing people who passed away too young.  They were the most selfless, kind, passionate people, and the world is so much less for it.  One of these friends passed away on Valentine's Day last year.  As I went through V-Day this year, I was thinking about her (as I do almost every day,) about the kind of person she was and what she accomplished and what she now couldn't, and I made up my mind to change my life- to define it in a new way.  I want to make myself a better, happier person.  To be more open, honest, and accepting.  To make the world a better place.  It's something I've been doing for the last few years, but this was the first time I actually recognized this and made it into a project.

I now refuse to post anything negative on FaceBook.  Let's be honest, how many times a day do you go on FaceBook and just complain about something stupid and trivial?  Use it to complain about people behind their back?  I don't want to do that anymore.  The little things don't need that much attention.  Instead, I post good things: quotes, videos, images, anecdotes from my day, and things I share from like-minded groups, like the "Born This Way Foundation."

I try to be more aware of people.  It's hard, me being so shy and this campus so big and people so suspicious nowadays, but I try to smile and talk to people I don't know.  At least hold the door for them (which is a habit I developed a long time ago.)

I'm working to be as honest as I can.  Have you ever realized how many lies and exaggerations people use on a daily basis?  It's sad.  For me, it started with my last relationship.  I didn't want to be a catty, jealous girlfriend, and I never wanted to leave any doubt on my part.  Even though that relationship ended (quite amicably, I may add!) I continue to strive towards honesty.  It makes everyone happier in the end, really.

And I'm trying to love me for me more now.  Accepting yourself is so hard.  It's funny how Western society places so much emphasis on the individual's thoughts, feelings, and pride, but then we try to tear it out of each others' hands. I want to always be proud of myself and my goals, and I'm working towards it each day at a time.

But I have a lot of things to work on, too.  I do get frustrated easily, and tend to hold grudges.  I speak before I think, and I've hurt myself and others pretty badly doing it.  Trying to prove yourself after slipping like that is really, really hard- trust me, I've been trying!  I do tend to judge others- not on their appearance but their behavior (which is one of things I've been trying to make up for.)  I have a problem with talking about others behind their backs.  I still slip up and try to cover my thoughts or actions by lying.  But, I think by knowing these things I'm a better person for it and I can continue to fix them.  I'm excited to see how things will improve over time!

So that's what's been on my mind lately.  You didn't really have to read all of this, but if you did, much love to you!